Forever and Always?
by Char-sensei
Summary: An ongoing fic about Sirius and Remus' relationship (marauder era). Slash ahead people. I need reviews to keep going. CHAPTER 6 IS FINALLY HERE!!!!
1. chapter 1: Caught in the Act

Title: Forever and Always? Pairings: Sirius/Remus, James/Lily, and Lucious/Snape Archive: Please, just email me and tell me where Spoilers: Maybe some for PoA and GoF Warnings: Slash (m/m) here people, if you don't like, don't read. Rating: R Disclaimer: I don't own them, so don't sue. I'm not making any money off of this.  
  
~Forever and Always?~  
  
  
  
*Sirius' pov*  
  
I glanced up him from my homework. He was sitting across the table from me. Some honey colored hair had fallen forward into his eyes. I longed the lean forward and brush it aside, letting my fingers gently caress his cheek in the process. God, he was beautiful. I've tried denying these feeling, but I know I can't. it's not possible. I know he would never return them, he's too perfect. Everyday my heart breaks as I gaze into his amber eyes, and know that he will never be mine. Even if he did swing my way, why would he go for me? I'm tall, clumsy, I have plain old black hair, that reaches to my shoulders. I would only dirty him. I'd ruin his precious purity, which I love so much.  
  
No, he will never be mine.  
  
He glances up from his Transfiguration essay. Damn, caught in the act. His eyes hold some emotion in them I've never seen before. Lust? No, I need to stop this. I'm only getting my hopes up. Look, it's gone now. I was probably just imagining it anyway. I look away embarrassed.  
  
"Sirius?" he asks with concern.  
  
"Hm?" I ask nonchalantly. God, if he only knew.  
  
"Are you okay? You've only written a sentence, and it's due in two days."  
  
"I'm just a little distracted." I smile at him. "Tomorrows the first night we'll be able to be with you. I'm a little anxious."  
  
He's smiles one of his rare smiles, and I feel my heart melt. "I am too." He looks down at his open book then back up at me. "Will you still not tell me what animal you are?"  
  
I feel my face split into a huge grin. "Nope! It's a surprise." I hear my stomach growl.  
  
"Damn, and it's still two more hours before dinner." I grumble.  
  
"Kitchen raid?" Remus suggests. I leap up.  
  
"Great idea! Couldn't have come up with a better one myself!" That earned me a glare from Madam Pince. We gathered our things and were soon off to the kitchens.  
  
~*~  
  
I know it's short. The others will be much longer. I need some reviews. I wanna know if this is any good and if I should keep going. I absolutely love this pairing. My favorite! 


	2. chapter 2: Broken Dreams, And Hopeless P...

Thank you to Awesomegurl, Lolly, Sasja, Sicily Lupin, and Yami Megami for all of your wonderful reviews. This chapter is dedicated to all of you.  
  
One more thing I forgot to mention in chapter 1, this is set during their fourth year.  
  
  
  
~Forever and Always?~  
  
  
  
*Sirius's pov*  
  
I sat at the Gryffindor table, stealing more glances at Remus, who sat across from me. He was being very quiet...more than usual.  
  
I leaned across the table. "What's wrong Moony?"  
  
He looked up at me, startled. "Wha...nothing's wrong. What makes you ask?"  
  
"You haven't said a word all through dinner." I point out.  
  
"I usually don't." He looks down at his plate, which he's hardly touched, though that isn't as odd. He usually doesn't eat much of anything this close to the full moon.  
  
"Come on, Remy. Tell me. Something's bothering you, and I wanna help."  
  
"You can't Sirius." He looked up into my eyes, and I almost drowned in the amber depths. "This is something I need to sort out on my own."  
  
I wanted to cry from all the despair I saw in his eyes. He needed me, but he was too stubborn to admit it. I wanted to talk to him, but at that moment I saw someone come up behind him. It was a sixth year Ravenclaw Quidditch Captain, Alex La'Monte. He was tall with dark hair and dark eyes. All the girls swooned over him, thought they all knew they had no chance.  
  
"Remus, can I talk to you for a minute?" Remus turned and looked at him.  
  
"Sure." He replied.  
  
I growled deep in my throat and the Quidditch Captain looked at me funny. Remus got up and left with him. James gave me a warning look, then went back to flirting with Lily. What would he want to talk to Remus for? He's two years older than him for christ's sakes. I calmed myself down, at least we beat him in the last match. I pushed my plate away angrily.  
  
"I'm not hungry anymore." I muttered to James, though I don't think he heard me. I stormed out of there and headed towards the Gryffindor dormitories. I didn't see Remus at all. Once I got to the Fat Lady I said the password and I was let inside. I looked around the common room, but he wasn't in there. He's still with Alex. I stomped up the stairs to the fourth years dormitories. I flung open the door and was startled to see Remus sitting on his bed, writing in his journal. The same journal, I noted, that I bought him two years ago for his birthday. I smiled.  
  
He looked up at me, and smiled back.  
  
"Hey Padfoot. Back so soon?"  
  
"I was full, and I need to try and work on that Transfiguration essay I still have hardly started." I glanced at him curiously as I made my way to my bed. He really seemed very happy.  
  
"So...what did Alex want to talk to you about?" I asked, trying not to let the anger show in my voice.  
  
He stopped writing and just stared at the page for a moment, before he hurriedly scribbled something down, and closed it. "Um.." He looked at his hands in his lap for a moment before looking up and staring at me. The happiness was definitely gone.  
  
"Moony?" I asked walking over and sitting on the edge of his bed. "What is it? If he hurt you, I swear I will-"  
  
"No, Padfoot. He didn't hurt me..." He trailed off and looked back down.  
  
"Moony?" He didn't answer me. "Remus..?"  
  
He looked back up with tears in his eyes. "Remus what is it?" I asked urgently.  
  
"I...I can't tell you Sirius."  
  
"Why?! You've told me everything else!"  
  
"You...you'd hate me." That was it. That was the last straw.  
  
"What the hell are you talking about?! You know I'd never hate you! I'd do anything for you Remus." I stopped, getting control of my awful temper. "I didn't hate you when I found out about your lycanthropy. You thought I would then. Remus..." I took a breath. "The thing is..I could never hate you. You're too-"  
  
"I'm gay." He cut me off.  
  
I felt my heart stop. I couldn't believe what I'd just heard. Remus? Gay? I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't heard it from his own mouth...his own beautiful mouth. A mouth that's tortured me for the last three years in every wet dream I've had. Remus is gay?  
  
He must've taken my silence the wrong way.  
  
"I'm sorry Sirius. I should have told you..I should have told all of you, but I know how the world looks at gays, and I couldn't stand losing you. But when Alex came up to me tonight and told me he liked me, and asked to go out with him next week, I didn't know what else to do." Wait a second. Alex asked him out? I wanted to scream. "Sirius, please don't look at me like that. You're always dating around, you always have some girl hanging off your arm. James has Lily. Peter even has that Hufflepuff third year, Mary, or whatever her name is. I've never had anyone. No ones ever liked me this way. Alex does though. He cares about me."  
  
I stood shakily to me feet. I couldn't take anymore. I've probably lost my chance forever now. Remus has found someone, and now he probably would..oh God!  
  
"Sirius.." I looked down at him, down into his large amber eyes. He was so beautiful. "Please don't hate me."  
  
"I don't hate you Remus. I told you...I could never hate you." I saw a look of utter joy cross his face. He jumped up, and wrapped his arms around me. I reveled in the fell of his body so close, his warmth seeping into my body that had gone cold with despair. I fought the tears I could feel coming.  
  
"Thank you Sirius. Thank you for understanding."  
  
"I hope you're happy Remus." He doesn't realize what he's doing to me. He doesn't know how much he is killing me. I try, but I can't lift my arms to embrace him back. "I'm a bit tired. I think I'm going to go to sleep now."  
  
"Oh...okay." He stepped back and wiped the tears off of his face. I turned and walked to my four poster. I toed off my shoes, and not bothering with the rest of my clothing, laid down, and pull the curtains close. I whispered a silencing spell, and began sobbing into my pillow. Letting the tears come, that I could never let Remus see. I swore at that moment, I would make myself move on. I would make myself forget.  
  
That night was when the nightmares started.  
  
  
  
~*~  
  
Okay.finally. I know this chapter is kinda short too, but I'll try and make them longer. It just seemed like a good breaking point. Review and tell me how you like it, I won't post the next chapter till I get five more reviews. Thanks. 


	3. chapter 3: In the Arms of an Angel

Okay, okay...I know I said I had to have 5 reviews, but now I guess I'm in fear for my life. So hear it is chapter 3. Hope you all enjoy. And special thanks to Moonblade, Shadoe and Kherezae (Though I don't know why I'm thanking you..threatening me!) for all of your reviews. I hate you too Shadoe. (  
  
  
  
~Forever and Always?~  
  
  
  
*sirius' dream*  
  
  
  
Blood..  
  
I smell it..it's all around me..  
  
Everywhere..  
  
Remus..where are you?  
  
A scream..all I can hear is the scream..  
  
I'm running now..running towards that blood curdling sound..  
  
Where are you Remus?  
  
Shit! I slipped, and now I'm falling..it's not stopping..  
  
I'm still falling..  
  
Remus!  
  
Blood everywhere!  
  
There! I found you...  
  
God! No! Remus..  
  
What happened to you? Is all this blood from you?  
  
NO! Remus! Don't die! Please...I..I love you Remus..  
  
No Remus, Please don't die..please..  
  
Remus!  
  
REMUS!!!  
  
  
  
~*~  
  
*Remus' pov*  
  
  
  
I was awoken suddenly by a scream. I sat up abruptly. It came again. From Sirius' bed. I leaped to my feet and ran to his side. His hair was slicked to his forehead from sweat, and he was writhing around, making the sheets wrap around his body, restraining him.  
  
"Remus! No!" I stepped back in shock, then started shaking him franticly, trying to wake him. James and Peter were soon by my side, trying to help me.  
  
Sirius' eyes flew open, a look of pure terror evident on his face. He looked immediately to my bed, which was next to his. Next his eyes landed on me, and the fear was replaced by relief.  
  
"My god, Remus..you're alright." He threw his arms around me, and buried his face in the crook of my neck. I wrapped my arms around him holding him close. He was shaking. I tentatively started rubbing small circles on his back with my palm, trying to sooth him. I felt a wetness on his neck and realized he was crying.  
  
"Pa..Padfoot...it's alright. It was just a nightmare. It's over now...you're okay." I looked up at James who had a look of concern on his face. I'm mouthed to him that it was alright and he could go back to bed. A look of understanding passed over him, and he nudged Peter. They walked back to their beds.  
  
"Do you want to talk about it?" A violent sob racked his body, and I held him tighter. I was getting really worried. I'd never seen him like this before.  
  
"Sirius?" I asked again. I felt him tense. There were a few moments, where he tried to catch his breath, then he pushed me away.  
  
I looked into his eyes that were slightly red and swollen. The blue in his eyes stood out drastically. There was a moment where the fear I saw earlier was visible again, then it was gone replaced by something else I didn't recognize. It wasn't right that he was still so beautiful. I mentally kicked myself. I shouldn't think about something like that..especially not now when he needs me. I'll hate myself if I let my hormones get in the way of comforting him.  
  
He reached up uncertainly and trailed his fingers over my lips. Then leaned in and kissed me lightly. I gasped. He pulled away quickly, and looked away embarrassed.  
  
"I...I'm sorry Remus..." He stood and ran out of the room. I stayed where I was seated, in stunned silence. It took a moment before I realized he had left. A depressed Sirius wasn't a good thing. he might, and probably would, do something drastic. I ran after him ignoring my half clothed state.  
  
  
  
~*~  
  
Okay, I know I lied. I said the chapters would get longer. I'm such a horrible person. I know, I know. Well, review and tell me what you think. 


	4. chapter 4:Escape to Bitterness

Sorry everyone, I know this chapter took a while. Can you ever forgive me? I've been really busy, and I had a small bout of writers block. But at least it's here, ne?  
  
Thank you to Kat, Ice, anonymous person, Goldmund, Milly chan, and Kherezae (Just don't make a habit out of the threatening :) .) All of your reviews are very appreciated.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
*Sirius' pov*  
  
I ran through the halls, not caring where I was going. It didn't matter anymore. Nothing mattered. I'd just ruined my life.  
  
How could I have been so stupid?  
  
I really am an idiot.  
  
I'm a selfish idiot.  
  
I had to fuck everything up with Remus just for the chance of me being able to be with him. I didn't think about him, and now everything is screwed.  
  
How could I have been so daft? How could I have actually thought that he would want to be with me. That kind of stuff only happens in fairy tales. In the bedtime stories my mom told me when I was five. It never happens in real life. Only to good people. I'm not a good person. I just ruined my best friends life on a whim.  
  
I should die.  
  
There is no reason for me to go on living. Remus probably wants me dead now too. How could he not? I'm disgusting. Revolting. I'm unnatural, a freak. How could anyone want me alive? They couldn't.  
  
I run out of Hogwarts, across the wet grass. There is no one out here. They are asleep in there beds, having their normal dreams. They aren't plagued by the nightmares, I'm forced to see. My socks are soaked now, I guess I forgot my shoes...not that it matters. Nothing matters anymore. Nothing but Remus. I look around me. Everything looks so peaceful, covered with a small layer of snow. I hear my teeth chattering, but I hardly pay any attention to the strange sound. I'm still running, and I feel the ice cold wind bite my skin. I can't stand this pain anymore. It's killing me. I should die, I won't hurt if I'm dead. All the pain will leave..won't it?  
  
I run towards the lake. There is a thin layer of ice covering most of it. The cold of the water would kill me in only a few minutes. I get ready to strip. Then I stop.  
  
Can I be this weak?  
  
Can I just give up like this? This isn't like me, I never give up. I've never felt this kind of pain either, though. I can't do this. I need to keep living.  
  
I hear a noise and spin around. I see Remus running towards me, scarf, and coat forgotten.  
  
I can't let him see me like this. I run the other direction. I can't face him yet. I can't face this pain. What can I do?  
  
Padfoot!  
  
Padfoot doesn't feel this kind of pain. I need to escape to his carefree state. Forget who I am. Forget what I feel. Forget everything!  
  
As I run from the only thing in this world and the next, that matters to me. I focus on Padfoot's bulky shape. I feel my body swiftly change, and I head for the Forbidden Forest. Leaving Moony. Leaving everything behind. I surrender myself to the dog's instincts.  
  
I smell a small creature scurrying through the forest. I bark, challenging him. It's a game. I run off after it.  
  
~*~  
  
  
  
*Remus' pov*  
  
I saw Sirius standing at the edge of the lake. For a second I though he was something out of a dream. His black robes flowed around him, and his hair was blown back by the wind. His skin was pale from the cold. I saw his hand clenched in a fist.  
  
I was freezing, but seeing him like this brought a strange heat to my body.  
  
It took me a moment to realize what he was doing there. I felt the coldness return with a fierce brutality. My heart stopped in my chest.  
  
"Sirius!" I yelled desperately, hoping he could hear me above the roar of the wind.  
  
How could he do this to me?  
  
How dare him kiss me, then run off like this. I need answers.  
  
He spun around and looked at me. The fear in his eyes evident. His eyes were a much paler blue than normal. His cheeks with a slightly pinkish blush. He looked very alluring like this, and again I had mentally kick myself. This wasn't the time!  
  
"Sirius.." I whispered. With my excellent eyesight I saw a single tear fall down his cheek.  
  
"Don't.." With that he turned and ran away from me. "Shit!" I muttered running after him. Then right before my eyes I saw him change. His clothes faded to thick black fur. He shrunk, though not by much, and fell to all fours. His hands and feet turned to large paws, and a tale sprouted from his nicely sculpted rear, that was now swiftly growing fur. Once the transformation was complete, he took off and ran towards the Forbidden Forest.  
  
A dog..Sirius was a dog. It all made perfect sense. Fate sure had a twisted sense of humor.  
  
It took a second for the shock to wear down. I ran after him into the thick forest.  
  
I wouldn't lose him.  
  
Not this time.  
  
Never again.....  
  
  
  
TBC  
  
~*~  
  
Do you like? I need reviews. You guys are the ones that keep me writing this stuff. Without reviews, I have no reason to write. So be a good reader and tell me what you think. And don't worry about being brutally honest. If you don't like something I did, tell me. I want to improve. I don't know how soon I can update. My parents are getting after me for falling behind in school. Oops. I have a ton of work to catch up on. I'll try and update as soon as I can. 


	5. chapter 5: Filtered Pain

Okay people, here's chapter 5. I'm getting in trouble for writing this, so you better be grateful. I have a ton of homework I have to get done by Tuesday, or I can't see LOTR when it comes out on Wednesday. And I already have my ticket!!! Parents can be so cruel sometimes, can't they? Anyways, I'm just trying to say you should be very grateful. This is gonna me a rather short chapter, but it's all I can do right now. So no complaints!  
  
Thank you to Lilikat(don't be depressed. I'd feel horrible if my story caused you to kill yourself or something. Do you know what that kind of guilt is like?!), and Crystal (Now I have TWO people threatening me? Sheesh, and all I'm trying to do is write a story. A girl gets no respect around here!) Please review everyone. I only got 2 reviews and it made me come out with this chapter...imagine if I got 10? Okay, I'll stop the bribing and get on with this chapter. I hope you all enjoy!  
  
  
  
*Remus' pov*  
  
I wandered through the forest trying to find any sign of Sirius. He was no where. I soon became lost, and the only thing that kept me going, was knowing Sirius was out there somewhere, possibly in trouble. My feet were bleeding from the sticks and rocks that covered the ground. I hadn't considered the fact that I should bring shoes when I ran after Sirius. My throat was raw and hoarse from calling for Sirius, and my vision was blurring from fatigue. I stumbled over a branch that I hadn't seen in my way and I fell forward, scraping my knee on a sharp rock.  
  
"Sirius!" I hoarsely called out, pulling myself up and sitting against a tree. I looked down at my watch. It was nearing 5 o'clock pm. 7 more hours and it'll have been a whole day.  
  
Shit!  
  
Suddenly I remembered.  
  
Tonight is the full moon, and I'm lost in the middle of a forest. Fuck! Can things get any worse?  
  
I try with all my strength to stand, but my legs are too weak, and I fall back down. In the process I hit the back of the tree I'd been using for support. Great, now on top of everything else I've got a headache. I lean back against the tree. I'm so tired. Maybe a little sleep will be alright.  
  
  
  
~*~  
  
  
  
*Sirius'pov*  
  
I ran through the forest, chasing animals, sniffing strange object, and peeing on bushes. I was having fun!  
  
I'd lost track of time. Nothing mattered to me anymore. How long had it been? A minute? An hour? A day? I was on an adrenaline high, and having the time of my life.  
  
I'm feeling sleepy. I look up and I can barely see the full moon rising, through the tree branches.  
  
Full moon?  
  
That means something..but what?  
  
  
  
TBC  
  
~*~  
  
I told you it would be really short. Review please, and I'll try and force another chapter outta me. 


	6. chapter 6: Bloody Transformation

I am sorry. I know this took a LONG time to come out. My dad put some stupid filter on my computer, so I can't get to ff.net on my own computer. Then my computer got completely screwed up, then I had to wait until it got fixed. I got this out as soon as I can. I am so incredibly sorry. I wouldn't blame you if all of you wanted to murder me. I wouldn't like it, but I wouldn't blame you. Just remember though, if you kill me you don't get the next chapter! I know, I'm so evil.  
  
Thank you everyone who has reviewed. And thank you for not losing your patience with me.  
  
  
  
*James' pov*  
  
"Where are they?!" I pounded my fist into the wall for the umpteenth time that day.  
  
"They are probably just off somewhere, pulling some prank on some defenseless Slytherin." Lily said, grabbing her boyfriends arm, trying the reassure him.  
  
"They've been gone all bloody day!" Lily remained silent.  
  
"This isn't like them. They've missed all of their classes. I would maybe expect something like this from Sirius, but Remus??" James buried his face in his hands. "The...the full moon is tonight. What if something happened?"  
  
"I'm sure they'll be fine. Remus knows how to take care of himself, and Sirius, well, Remus is probably with him to keep him out of trouble. Everything will be okay." Lily took his hand and squeezed it gently. "Anyways, there is nothing we can do now, if we don't even know where they are."  
  
"You're right...like always."  
  
"I know I am. You just need to learn to listen to me more. Maybe you wouldn't get so many detentions."  
  
  
  
*Remus' pov*  
  
I saw the last bit of light disappear, replaced by a suffocating sense of darkness.  
  
A spasm of pain rocked through my body, and I collapsed to the ground. The pain was unbelievable. Worse than it has ever been before. The fatigue I'd felt from wandering around all day, coming back to me tenfold. I felt my bones rearranging, growing, shrinking..every little change sent a searing pain through my whole body. I screamed, unable to keep the blood curdling sound in. It started as the voice of a teenage boy, and faded into the heart stopping howl of the wolf. The change was complete. My senses were enhanced, suddenly I could tell where every little animal around me was hiding. Nothing was kept from me, I knew all. I was one with the heart of the forest now. Without even a second to think about it, I felt the wolf mind emerge, and take control of my body. The weariness I'd felt earlier had vanished now, and I was filled with the electric energy of the beast.  
  
A small squirrel ran past me, but I ignored it. It was no threat to me. I was the master here. I was in charge. No one would have any control over me now. Not anymore. I was no longer caged. I was free. I was where I belonged. Nothing phased me. No...something did. This feeling in my stomach. Hunger. I was hungry.  
  
I trotted off in search of food. Nothing would escape me tonight. Nothing. No beast or bird. I am here and I am the master.  
  
I let out another howl, and it was shortly answered by another, more challenging one.  
  
I am the master, but it seems I have an adversary. It doesn't matter. This forest is mine, and he will leave. I will make him leave.  
  
  
  
*Sirius' pov*  
  
I heard that howl again. It was closer this time.  
  
'Something is wrong.' A little voice in the back of my head said. I pushed it away. There was no time to deal with little voices. I'm supposed to be having fun!  
  
The voice wouldn't go away.  
  
'Remus..' what was so familiar about that name?  
  
'Remus!' Oh my god! How could I forget about Remus? I heard two howls, they were leaving me. Getting farther away. They sounded as if..they were in pain? Remus is in pain! My human mind surfaced. It was definitely Remus. I could smell him on the air. Remus and....another wolf?  
  
'Holy shit!' Remus is in trouble, but I've been to absorbed in my own sorrow, and self pity, I didn't think about him. I ran as fast as I could towards the howls of pain, and fighting. I will not be too late!  
  
~*~  
  
I know it was short. I've had no time to write. But, enough with the excuses. Review. If I don't get very many reviews, it will be even longer until the next chapter. 


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